Universe Got Jokes!

The universe is fucking with me. I seriously think it’s playing jokes, or trying to teach me something. Ok, my job as a courier depends greatly on the competence of others. Yet, other people often prove incompetent. Besides having to deal with traffic and other drivers (to say nothing of roadwork), I depend on the doctors, nurses, and technicians to know what they’re doing and not screw me over. Often enough they fail.

So, the other day I stop at a routine pick-up; routine, but still about 20 minutes away from the rest of my route. After I left (finding 3 specimen bags in the lockbox) and had nearly arrived at the next stop on my route, I get a call from dispatch that I had to go back, they had another. I freaked out; “why the hell did they put the specimens in the box if they weren’t done?” I fumed. Irrational rage, it’s sad when you confront it in yourself. Going back was going to cost me at least 40 minutes. I had plans that night, and wasn’t excited about being kept late.

I decided to leave it for the end of my route, then proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes muttering angrily to myself, in a general sour mood. Then, the universe steps in to poke me in the ribs and say, “don’t be stupid, stupid!” I get a call from dispatch saying someone else was going to pick up from 3 of the nursing homes I stop at, saving me probably around 25 minutes. Talk about feeling sheepish, and incredibly foolish for getting so mad. In the end, I finished probably ten minutes earlier than I generally do, and, having so much time to burn, went to Taco Bell. The part that kills me the most is that just moments before I got the call that I had to go back to the out-of-the-way client, I was remarking to myself how thoughtful and profound a certain Van Zant song lyric was, which I had just heard on the radio: “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it?

In other news, I got rid of my TV. My parents’ set broke, so I gave them mine. My room feels so much… lighter now. More open and free, I can’t explain it, but I’m feeling very positive about it. I also signed on an apartment, finally getting out of my folks’ home. I won’t have internet (will have to live on the cheap), and I haven’t decided if I should update this from the library still or not. I’m not convinced it’s worth it.

Revolution pt 2

I'm annoyed. I was looking at this blog of a musician I rather like (Colbe Logan). Actually, I only have an Anytown album (his old band), but i'm thinking I'll buy some of his albums. Anyways, on his blog he's talking about how materialism is kind of a negetive, and how he traded his materialistic outlook for a path of music and spirituality. All well and good, problem is, it's OUR materialism that allows him to do it! If we didn't buy his CDs, attend his shows, or buy his $25 Tshirts, he wouldn't be able to live the life he does. He's just as stuck in this system as we are.

And that's why I'm annoyed. It's not that he's got a bad outlook; I share the same one. But he talks as if he had extricated himself from the materialism, when he hasn't, he's just taken one step away from it. He's as much a consumer as we are. This isn't just him (or me, as I'm a hypocrite too). We're all the same way. All talk and no walk, and we deny a huge amount of information, ignoring it completely, for the sake of comfort (physical and mental).

One (among many) good example is the gas situation. Our humongous desire for oil and its derivatives causes untold misery throughout the world. Without oil, the Middle East would be a backwater, unless they could sell sand and camels. Think of the the wars and strife (within and between those countries) fueled by oil, oil money, and the politics surrounding it. Also: the energy from oil has given us the car, and thus the suburb (farmland/habitat destruction and community alienation), fast food (obesity), and walmart and other centralized megastores (destruction of local economy and international near-slave labor)... to say nothing of oil spills, air pollution, and noise pollution.

Yet who among us would support a 3 dollar hike in the gas taxes to help reflect the true cost of oil, such as military expenditures and contamination clean-up costs? We'd probably need a 50 dollar hike to cover it (yeah, i'm exaggerating... maybe?). To suggest such a hike would be political suicide, because we'd all freak out and want to hang the guy who proposed it. In the end, we want peace, a clean world, and perhaps a clean lifestyle, heart, mind, and spirit. But only when it doesn't inconvenience us. After all, we need to drive to work, school, McDonalds and Walmart... even if it is only one mile away.

Our problem is that we're all talk, and no walk. I, for example, talk shit about automobiles and consumerism, but still drive, and love buying music and books. Unlike many others, this deeply bothers me, to the core. But the point is, we're left with a bad choice: 1) own up and realize our hypocricy and selfishness (a hard thing to do), and work to change it, or 2) continue ignoring the problems in favor of comfort and expediency, and keep seeing the same old shit happening all over the world till it all comes crashing down. Choosing the first is the start of our revolution.

Revolution pt 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about revolution lately. Not sure why; probably because we need one so bad. We’re long overdue, you know. There’s a quote by someone that says, if you don’t stir the pot once in a while, all the scum gathers on the top.

Anyways, being of the nonviolent bent, I was also thinking about Gandhi. There is the ideal revolutionary, a personal hero of mine. (Incidentally, he took inspiration from Thoreau, pacifist, free-thinker, and another hero of mine). Everyone thinks of Gandhi as this gentle passive guy. He wasn’t; he was a true revolutionary. In fact, he was one of the most effective ones. He wasn’t just some meek, quiet whiner, but nor was he a flash-in-the-pan warlord; he actively protested the British in India, did everything he could, save commit acts of violence. It was a brilliant strategy, and here’s why.

When you are standing up to someone, a violent someone, and you commit no acts of violence back, well, as he attacks you again and again (and the British did, gunning down peaceful gatherings of Sikhs, and violently subduing many protests), well, it becomes obvious who the aggressors are. You leave them no option for their twisted propaganda, to say “we must fight them there so we don’t have to fight them at home” or “we’re defending against terrorists/rebels/evildoers.” The actions are there for all to see. This is why the British left India, they could not maintain the image of righteous overlords.

Now, for one, I support the Palestinian cause (minus the bloodshed). They’re treated like second-class citizens by Israel; they ARE second-class citizens, without the vote and with anti-Palestinian measures like with the new wall or being used as human shields. Shit, how many of them live in refugee camps? So, my suggestion to the Palestinians, a people who are obviously not afraid of pain or to die for their cause, is this. Stop the violence. If you think the Israelis are the evil ones, let them prove it by their actions. Don’t fight back, don’t lift a finger against them. Soon the whole world will be on your side.

Because, in wars, the “other side” tends to get propagandized into subhuman categories. Well, the difference between humans and animals, or one of the major ones, is restraint. An angry dog will bite, an angry bee will sting (even to its own demise), but we can hold back, and use those powerful emotions in a more effective way. Yes, suicide bombs hurt the enemy, but non-violence (not passivity, mind you) would be far more damaging. Using restraint, we can show who is really acting like an animal.

Easter Post

Happy Easter, everyone. I’m not religious in a Christian way, besides the subconscious residue inevitably left over from my Catholic upbringing, but I appreciate the symbolism in a general sense. Rebirth, redemption, a new life in a new context. All good things. So, today is the start of a new way of living for me. It is in this respect my New Year, and with it comes the resolutions.

My dad has been diagnosed with high cholesterol. I eat far worse than he does, so I’m sure mine is just as bad; especially since I tend to take after my mom’s side. Her dad died of a heart attack in his late 40’s, and my uncles there also have higher cholesterol. My heart on it’s own is relatively weak, given certain birth defects that the surgery could not entirely fix. The recent chest pains worry me a bit too.

My diet, as I said, is terrible. I eat more fast food now than I probably ever have in my life, and in general the food I eat is even worse than the garbage I ate while I was away at MSU a few years back (which was bad, let me tell you).

With all this in mind, I was actually a little worried about going on a run today, thinking I might keel over dead. I didn’t, but as it was, the run was terrible. I’m out of shape in a major way. I’ve hardly moved much in the last 6 months, as exercise goes, so I was gasping for breath pretty quick. I’ve never been much for running, preferring bicycling, but this is ridiculous.

So, I’m changing my diet, and my lifestyle. First, I’m massively increasing my fruits and especially vegetables. I eat almost none of that stuff nowadays, save for a daily banana. Going to go meat-lite; not vegetarian but close, and way less dairy and eggs. The biggest things for me, is processed food and sugary food. I am an admitted sugar addict; I get grumpy as a person quitting smoking without a steady stream of it all day. I eat something sweet and it’s like getting high almost, must be causing an endorphin release.

That, and more exercise. I’m going to try a Tai Chi class later this month, as well as more running and biking. I already feel better, just having run today and eaten a bit better, and it will only get better.

Work

Today, working turned to toil. It's not that it was a hard day, particularly. There were the rough parts, but the thing that ruined it, the thing that did me in, was the weather. The sun blazing away in freshly clearing skies, vaporizing the residues of last night's storm, the one I was awake for because again I did not sleep. And at a perfect 65 degrees or thereabouts, my envy of the customers at the bike shop across the parking lot could not have been greater. Watching them ride up on their two-wheeled steeds made me realize how severly lacking my current life has been in terms of enjoyment. I have no time to ride, hardly any time at all to be outside, and thought the days and months have been fast disappearing with my life, today the time went by slower than slow. It was my coworkers that made the day survivable, as usual, joking our way through the hours that would otherwise have consumed me. I try again and again to cheer myself by the thought where I'll be in one year hence: working my way up and through those Georgia mountains, Maine-bound or bust; but to little effect. I cannot ignore the facts: another year of staring at cans of cat food, bags of dog food. Hell, another week of hearing about the Great Pet Food Recall of 2007 will drive me out of my mind; repeating the same answer 70 times a day cannot be good for the mind (on another day I may go into a rant on food quality, animal AND human, the problems of mass production and huge corporations, but not now). And to miss yet another spring, save for glimpses gleaned from stolen moments; to labor through another summer sweating the heat and wasted days is what I try my utmost not to ponder. For now, I'll focus on the nature program on TV, and the fact that I at last have a day off come Easter, though I hear the temperatures are set to plummet back to winter.

Planet Earth

Tonight, I watched this special on the Discovery channel, "Planet Earth." I watched half the thing with my mouth hanging open, it was beautifully shot. But I have to say, I'm tired of the constant opinionating on the scenes, a problem not limited to this series, but prevalant on a lot of these sorts of shows, more nature-drama than nature-documentary. I realize they're trying to be poetic in their description, but they aren't doing a good job. It started off saying how conditions on earth are perfect for all the living things. Well, yes, but only because life evolved under those conditions. If the conditions had been different, life would have evolved to be perfectly suited to those conditions. They have it bass ackwards.

Later, at a different scene, in an African delta, they say that "where ever life thrives [shot of an antelope]... trouble follows [shot of an african hunting dog stalking through grass]. Trouble? That's not trouble, that's life itself! Life lives on life; and the antelope eating the living grass is as much a predator as the dog. Same thing.

But as I watched the aerial views of the dogs' hunt, and, even more so, an earlier scene of wolves going after caribou, I was struck by something. Often you hear it put as a struggle or a fight, but it isn't. The chase is just running, and when the wolf caught the calf, it didn't even go for the kill right away. For a moment, it just stood over it, and the calf did not flee, nor did it struggle when the wolf did finally bite down. And even if you want to consider that a struggle, you must agree that it's a very small percentage of an organism's time. Mostly it's eat, sleep, play. Kinda makes you wonder what the fuck we're doing wrong, with all our stress, eh?

On another note, I've decided that this time next year, I'm going to be in Georgia, making my start on the Appalachian Trail. In the meantime, I'm going to work and save up some money, plan some logistics, and get in shape, then I'm off to the mountains. It feels good to have made this decision, even if it is so far in the future. I almost did it this year, but realized I'd be jumping into it unready, which wouldn't bode well for completing the 2000+ mile trail.

Meditation

I’ve started meditating again. I say that not to “toot my own horn” or try and sound spiritual or anything, but, well, this is a blog, and I’m supposed to talk about myself. And, as my last post may show, I’ve been in a bit of a negative place lately, so this splash of Zen is good for me.

So, this afternoon, I sat. Before doing so, I read a bit out of the Tao Te Ching (which I recommend to everyone, it’s paradoxical but genius), the main Taoist text, I guess to get me in the right mindset. I just randomly opened it up, as I usually do, to wherever it takes me, and it took me to #48. After 15 or 20 minutes of sitting, I let my concentration ease and started thinking about this selection. The writer is referring to the concept of wu-wei, or doing non-doing. It’s fundamental in Taoism, the idea of letting things take their course. And I thought of a great metaphor to explain it, finally a way of making sense of a rather abstract concept.

Our lives are like a wooden staff out of balance. We stand, batting it from side to side to keep it from falling over to the floor, and before long become so accustomed to this game that we assume it to be the normal course of things, we think life is a constant fight against gravity, which always drags us down (and eventually will succeed). Some of us swing wildly from side to side, some stay low, others high, but we’re all doing the same thing, we’re all unbalanced.

But some among us discover a different way. Through a long, careful practice, say through meditation, prayer, “spiritual seeking”, or even through focused attention on our work, art, music, hobby, or sport, we may slowly bump and bat that staff towards full uprightness. There, balance is attained, the struggle is over. Life is not a battle against falling when we work WITH nature; now, that gravity which we so cursed before is now the very thing sustaining us. We need do no work, only allow nature to do it’s own, and not disturb it. This is wu-wei, this is non-doing.