Musings from Christmas Eve

I keep forgetting to update...

Christmas Eve I went on a bike ride after I got out of work. It was sunny and in the upper forties, though the temperature was dropping, it being already 3:30, but the ride was great. I didn’t go very long, because I decided to stop and check out this “nature reserve” I usually pass. I mentioned it in an old post, but never actually went back to explore it, like I said I would. Anyways, after leaning my bike up against the water-works building that shares the site, I walked through the tall grass, then a bit of trees, and over to the riverside. I believe it’s the Rouge River, or a branch of it; nothing huge, as rivers go, but pretty just the same. On reaching its edge, the first thing I saw as I looked across to the other side, up the bank and basically in someone’s backyard stood 4 deer, looking right back at me. I stood still, watching them for five or so minutes. They didn’t bolt, even though they clearly saw me, and didn’t even take off when I started walking down the river to see what else was there. Maybe being across the water made them feel safer.

It was so peaceful being there in the tiny piece of woods. The sound of the water flowing steadily over the river stones and jammed logs was like music in the late afternoon air. I just sat there looking and listening, soaking it in. It was a nice touch for Christmas Eve, to be out there among this little community of trees, all ready for the winter.

It’s making me think seriously again about hiking the Appalachian Trail. Just that little half hour of being in a more natural situation (such as is available in metropolitan Detroit) makes me realize how very much I miss it. I keep telling myself that I’ll hike it “someday” or that “someday” I’ll change my life so that I’m living near more natural areas where I can goof off in. But “someday” is too vague, and too easy to put off. I’m thinking this spring I’m going to do it. I’m not sure how I’ll swing it with school or my jobs. Leaving two steady, secure jobs is a major psychological hurdle I’m going to have to face. It’s always hard for me to leave a secure situation like that. Especially since I like the courier job so well, it’d be a shame to quit it only 5 or 6 months after getting it. Being in Beaumont is always good, because you can advance in it. And of course I’d be copping out on school again, at least for the summer, if not the fall, if not for good.

I’m right now just trying to weigh my priorities, what I want my life to look like. Go with the reasonable future of school and whatever that leads to, or skip that, go for doing what I enjoy (hiking, camping, biking etc) and work only to support that. I’m leaning towards the latter, which is going to really piss off everyone I know when I end up telling them. But I haven’t decided yet; I’d be giving a lot of things up if I took the latter course, and that’s a difficult choice to make.

On a totally unrelated note, the only thing else I have to say is about a commercial I saw yesterday. It was a drug commercial, for “restless leg syndrome.” I nearly fell out of my chair. Restless leg syndrome? What the fuck is that? That’s not a disease, that’s a symptom: you’re too stressed out and/or uncomfortable to sleep soundly. Get a new mattress and do some yoga or something, you fucking junkies. I mean, shit, they’re just inventing diseases now, so they can push their smack on us. What’s next, excessive yawning syndrome and the miracle drug that cures it? Sleep more, asshole!

Christmas Post

Well, I guess it's time for the obligatory blog entry on Christmas. So, here goes:

I don't find myself very enthused about Christmas almost ever. I think celebrating the winter solstice would be better, if everyone was on board, because it's more concrete. You can see that the sun is as far south as it will go, the night is as long as it will get. That's pretty damn mystical. Really that explains why Christmas is where it is in the calender. It was set there to help convert pagans, because no one knew when Jesus was born (probably in the spring, I hear). But given that no one in an industrial society cut off almost completely from natural cycles cares about the solstice, I'm stuck with Christmas.

Not really being a Christian, I don't find it that inspiring. Yeah, I was raised Catholic, but have explored other religions too much, and see far too much common ground between them, to really claim allegiance to just one. "Though the lamps be many, one light." The differences are all historical and cultural; the similarities are in all the important stuff.

So anyways, I don't see Jesus as much more than a prophet-sage-mystic. Not to diminish what he achieved, though. He, like the Buddha or Lao Tzu, found the God-within. He tried to teach others to do the same, and was killed for his blasphemy. You gotta love the rebel-Jesus, right? Brazenly standing up to the Establishment, who hoarded God for themselves, even as they themselves missed the point entirely. So, even to celebrate the birth of a great prophet-sage, I'm not really into it. It's like hero worship. Ok, Jesus found the Way. Great. Bowing down to him won't get ME there. I can follow his teaching, but there's no need to deify him. Climbing the signpost to Rome won't get you to Rome, now will it? Read the sign, understand it's meaning, then (the part most believers miss), walk down the road. (maybe realizing that it isn't the only correct sign in the world would help...) But really, Jesus came to teach us to do what he did, which is pretty damn cool, if we'd only embrace it, instead of the literalism we're usually stuck with.

And of course, it hardly needs to be said that Christmas is for most of us just a consumerist orgy of excess, materialism and greed run rampant. It offends me. And anyone who knows me knows I'm a total grinch when it comes to Christmas music.

I guess the meaning that exists for something is only the meaning you give to it. Christmas can be a lot of things: a religious event, a disgusting consumerist orgy, a time for seeing family, a time for presents, a depressing lonely time for suicide, or nothing at all. I would bet that for most people, it's a little of all of those things rolled together; it is for me at least. But in the end, we choose our realities by what we place value on. So, despite the more distasteful things about Christmas, I find myself trying to focus on the good side of it: the reminder to my spiritual self, the giving (and yes, the getting), the family and friends and parties, decorations and festive spirit. There's two sides to everything, good and bad. Which one we choose to dwell on is up to us. For, "as a man thinketh, so is he."

Some Links

This was pretty interesting:

http://www.denvergov.com/Blueprint_Denver/1323photo762.asp

And this was too, a 20 minute video on city-biking in Copenhagen:

http://www.vejpark.kk.dk/publikationer/index.asp?mode=detalje&id=498

I like the way people riding down the bike lane were talking to each other, and waving to people they knew on the street. Can you imagine if your commute were like that; instead of driving in your car, alone, screaming at the guy ahead of you who cut you off but can't hear you yelling anyways? Wouldn't you show up at school or work more happy, awake, and refreshed, from the air, the exercise, and the more positive attitudes?

So, on that note, I've decided that just because I bought a new truck, doesn't mean I have to use it. I've been doing my errands by bike the last few days, having made my peace with the cold (though it's been relatively mild lately). It makes me feel a lot better about it all, though now I'm back in the old place of questioning the value of owning a car, and the hundreds spent on insuring it, if I am not using it. But, with school coming up, I can't sell it this time. Damn.

Today at work it came out that I'm not at all afraid of heights, and never get that "sick" feeling in the stomach when I look down from a high place. Everyone else I've ever spoken to about it does, even if they aren't afraid of heights. I must be missing some important animal instinct. It probably means I'm going to fall off a cliff someday.

Also at work, one of my coworkers (shoutout to Vince!) who reads this blog said I should write a book. It's cool he said that, because I've been planning on doing just that. I've tried before but never had any idea where it was going, hoping I'd figure it out as I go along, so I never got very far. It's hard to write when you have no direction. This time, however, I have the whole plot pretty much formed, it's just some of the details I'll need to work out. It'll be fun. I think I'll go start right now...

Back in the Saddle

Yes, you read right, in my other post. I did indeed buy another truck; because I'm going to be commuting to Oakland University, where I've enrolled for school, hoping to someday finish college. It'd be a damn long bike ride which time would not permit, so there really wasn't much choice. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I got it. Though, I admit, I wasn't looking forward to biking in the cold weather this winter. So I'm not sure if school was the only reason, or if I just sold out completely.

Sadly, I also got a second job, at Beaumont Hospital as a courier. I actually drive a car for a job. What a hypocrite I am! It'd almost be funny, if it weren't so sad. I don't intend this to be a permanant situation, though, so there's hope yet.

Anyways, today was relatively productive. I ran up to Beaumont to get my vaccinations, which I didn't want to but they require it for the job. I think it was free though, which is good. But the whole idea of vaccinations is tainted in my mind by the knowledge that some of them have mercury compounds in them, which is thought by some to be the reason autism rates in children have shot up over 500 percent in recent times. The rise correlates to the time when they started using those compounds. Good idea, right? Putting poison in required vaccines? Is it a conspiracy to make us need more medicine and pay for it, or is it just abysmally stupid misuse of a good technology (vaccines)? You decide. Anyways, it was weird, that even though I've already had chicken pox as a child, that I have no immunity to it, according to my bloodwork. It was a very mild case when I had it, but still, where did my antibodies go?

After I got home I decided to go for a bike ride. It's almost 50 degrees, and didn't look like it was going to rain, so I couldn't wait. The moment I got on my bike (first time in about 3 months, sadly), I remembered how much I loved and missed riding. About ten minutes into the ride, I remembered how out of shape I was. My legs were protesting mightily, and my lungs weren't too happy about things either. But about 5 miles out the muscle-memory was kicking in and I was going along great. Then, the cable for my front derallieur popped out as I shifted to go down a hill. At first I had no idea what had happened, only that I couldn't shift and was stuck in low gear. I thought something had broken. After I realized what happened, I had to kick myself, because I'd left my bike tools at home and couldn't tighten the nut that holds the cable down. I had nothing to do but turn around and struggle back home in low gear. Very disappointing, since this "warm" weather isn't likely to last. I may just have to suck it up and brave the cold.

After that, I taught myself how to sew as I fixed a few pairs of pants. I'm sure I'm doing this wrong, but I'm also sure the stitches will hold. It's just kinda messy and improvised. I'll have to have mom show me the real way to do it.

I added a new link to my blog ; the Ran Prieur one. I just came across it the other day and can't say much more than that I agree with most of what he says. He has a bunch of great essays on his site which I spent hours reading. I've actually thought a good deal of that myself before, he just puts it very coherently all in one place. He's a little "fringe" but I think it won't always be that way, as the Oil Peak nears and stuff really does start to fall apart. Ideas like the ones expounded in his essays may (should) become mainstream. I'm in agreement that we should start preparing NOW for this, rather than waiting for conditions to force us to, when there may not be enough time. You can't make a garden grow in a week when food shortages hit, so unless you have one growing already, you're screwed. Most important, though, is having the right tools mentally, the knowhow to find food and water when the trucks aren't driving and the water pumps aren't pumping. Also, it helps to be emotionally prepared for this major change in how we live our lives. I think that will be the biggest obstacle for most people. More on that later.

Thoughts on Connections

Something strange happened to me last night. I had just laid down to sleep, and began a heart meditation, where you focus on feeling your heartbeat from within (also you can direct your pulse to anywhere in your body you want by focusing your attention there, supposedly for healing, but all I know is that it makes you feel vibrantly alive). Anyways, so the idea isn't to think but to feel, but thoughts always creep in; and I was thinking about how individual heart cells all beat on their own when seperated, yet when placed together will all beat together, in rhythm. Then I realized how the whole body is like that: every of our trillions of cells, each alive in its own right, and even the bacteria in our bodies, all work for the greater whole. No matter how disconnected, depressed, isolated, hateful or angry I feel in my abstract mind-world, no matter how shitty I treat my body ("my body" I say, as if it were something I owned, instead of something I am), no matter how hard I ride it or how terribly I punish it, every organ, every cell, loves "me" and works tirelessly for me, until the whole system collapses and I (they? we?) die. It's like family, really close family and friends that no matter how bad you hurt them, still love you and always support you and try to help you.

Now, all this came to me in a flash, not all thought out like that. Intuitive knowledge, I guess. And this is the odd part... I guess the whole idea really pleased me, because I burst out laughing there in the dark. Not just a chuckle, mind you, but full out belly laughs. This has happened before when I meditate, but never so strongly. It's hard to explain this really, because it wasn't a rational kind of thing. I just felt really at home in my body, very alive, and fully connected to the world.

But think about it. If we could deeply accept this as more than just an intellectual position, how much better would we treat our bodies? Would we poison ourselves when we know we are poisoning trillions of living beings (which are in the end "me")? Now extend your thinking. How is the relationship between the cells in one body any different from the relationship between the individuals in a community, or of communities in an ecosystem? It isn't. Ecosystems don't work when one species is trying to crush or dominate the others; they only work when they work together, in balance, even if that balance requires predator-prey relationships. When our minds try to subjugate our bodies, or we together try to subjugate nature, things never work out very well, do they?

I think we all know this deep down. I think this is a large part of the anger, depression, rage, and general anxiety we all feel in the industrial world. We're all disconnected from this biosphere, not physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Literally, our food comes from the food web, but in practice it comes from a supermarket. This is why gardening feels so good and gives old widows a reason to go on living. It's why hunters (at least the ones who do more than get drunk and shoot at deer who eat at their feeding stations) talk about how it's a great thing to just be in the woods. They're following something deeply ingrained in us: the one-on-one connection to the rest of the living world, from which we get our own life.

Because, who thinks about the living being they're eating as they sit down to, say, a chicken dinner? No one, because you'd have to think of a bird raised in a metal cage in a dim shed, with it's beak cut off so it won't peck its neighbors. I rode by a chicken shed on my bike tour, and it was eerie and horrible, the sound of thousands of chickens echoing off the metal walls. I pedaled hard to get away from it. This is why eating your own garden vegetables feels so good. You know the soil wasn't tortured to produce it, and you know that it wasn't mindlessly mass-farmed. You worked the compost, you put the seeds in with your hands, you watered and tended it, and you harvested it (again, with your hands, not machines). It can be the same way with animal products, though it's harder for most people to have livestock in their backyard than it is to have tomatos. People take this for granted or dismiss it, assuming that rationally, food is food, who cares how you get it or what went into it. That is unproductive thinking, dangerous thinking which has gotten our world into the mess it's in now.

But it doesn't have to be. We can realize that we are all connected in this world, and we can step out of the stories our minds tell us about how we're living and do something different, something better (stories about "progress" and "economic growth"). And this is what happened last night: I realized my connection to and within myself, and how it is essentially no different from my connection to the rest of the biosphere, no matter how disguised our culture makes it. Is it any wonder I was compelled to laughter?

Feeling better amid the changes

I hardly rode my bike at all this summer and fall. While attempting my cross-country tour, I got hit by an old lady in western Minnesota, 9 days and one morning into the ride. The bike was ruined, and my body wasn't in the best shape. No broken bones or anything but I was cut up pretty bad, and had a lot of internal bruising...my left knee still doesn't have any feeling in one area. After that I got pretty depressed, thanks to, among other things, having my long-time dream crushed (literally), and I just had no motivation to do almost anything even after I healed.

However, after months of being depressed, I'm finally feeling good about life. In part it's a resurgent interest in meditation, but mainly it's just positive thinking. Instead of my usual negetive thoughts (which truly exemplify the "being your own worst enemy" thing), I decided the other day to not do that any more. Yeah, just that simple. I'm a strong supporter of the idea that the will is stronger than any addiction. So, in the same thread, I stopped smoking, a habit I picked up this summer. Not that I smoked all that much, but I was noticing cravings more and more. See? All it takes is a decision. It's all mental.

Anyways, this new positivity brings with it the urge to simplify again. Two nights ago I was feeling so good, and so awake, that I couldn't sleep. I stayed up till 2 just cleaning my room. I went through my things and threw out a whole garbage bag of things, plus setting aside a bunch of old clothes for donation. In doing so, I realized how little I own, at least for a young adult in this consumerist western world. I have 2 empty drawers in my dresser of 4 drawers, for example. I'm paring down my music collection, trading and selling off unwanted CDs at used record shops, and eventually I'm going to just donate the rest to the library (or friends if anyone wants them). I'm going to sell off a bunch of old books too. I just really feel good when I get rid of things. I'm like, the anti-consumerist.

I'm looking at things in this way: the things we own, own us. At least, they do when we aren't able to give them up. This goes for activities too, like smoking or eating unhealthy food, which is why I quit the first and am working on quitting the second. I figure, we all die someday and can't take these things with us, so why should we let them dominate our lives? Also, a cluttered house is a reflection of a cluttered mind/soul, which I don't intend to have. Of course, I couldn't be happy without music, so I'm keeping probably half my music collection. I love to read, so I'm keeping some of my books, but won't be buying more (that's what libraries are for). But the idea is to progressively continue to simplify my life, to reduce my possessions down... perhaps someday eventually to a "need" level, which is nearly unheard of in Western society (needs being simply: food, water, shelter, clothes, fuel for cooking/warmth. That's it).

I'm doubtful I'll ever go that far. But then, who's to say? I'm weird enough to sell my vehicle in favor of walking and biking (even though I had to buy another for getting to school... I feel guilty as hell about it too, like I sold out); and really, already having the attitude, it's not a stretch to say that someday I'll REALLY simplify that way.